Grief: 4 Principles to Help You on Your Journey

As many of you may know, Brenda Fay Foundation(BFF) was born out of the loss of my beautiful mother, Brenda Fay Walker, in the winter of 2020; at the beginning of the holiday season. During the depths of the COVID pandemic, my family and I were experiencing one of the most devastating moments in our lives, while still trying to find some “spirit” to celebrate the holidays. Through faith, patience, and togetherness, we measured through that moment and the Holiday season. The Holidays were very important to my mother, and as a family, we needed to seize each opportunity to be together. We cried. We laughed. We sat through awkward moments of silence. We sat in… our grief.

What we know of grief, is that it is a deep sorrow and pain you may experience after the loss of a loved one. Many Psychologists have studied grief and would suggest that grief comes in stages; however, I would argue that grief has components but for each person, those components may differ. Some people experience anger, some people feel peace. Some people experience denial, and some are not shocked by the loss. There is no clear-cut process for experiencing grief. No right or wrong way to deal with the loss of a loved one. Your experience is your experience.

By profession, I am a Licensed Mental Health Therapist, and it has been my job for a long time to help others through their journey of grief- among other challenges. It was when I experienced the loss of my mother that I truly understood the insurmountable weight a person can feel after a significant loss. The heaviness that can shift your life- how you live and what you do at any given moment. I have come to terms that my experience of grief is as unknown as the deep blue ocean, and I am the boat sailing through it. All seems well; the waves are calm. I’m having a great day, then whoosh! Here comes a wave, shaking things up while I’m grasping for what I can to recover. What changed? What factors are causing this wave? What I can tell you is anything can! However, let that not be the focus, but rather what can you do to keep yourself afloat? What can you add to your boat so you won’t panic?

Here are a few things I’ve learned personally and professionally about coping with grief(keeping my boat afloat):

Sit In It

Sometimes the best way you can survive a wave is to sit in it. Meaning you don’t do anything but brace yourself until the wave passes. Many times you will feel like you need to hurry up and get through or over it. The kids need breakfast, I don’t have time to cry. I need to finish this project, I don’t have time to stop. I have to hurry up and feel better! Which causes, guess what? More stress. Far too often we pressure ourselves with unrealistic expectations and force ourselves into a perpetual state of striving to quickly fix something that doesn’t have an on/off switch. Your emotions and your needs can not be turned on/off. You are not a robot. Begin to take inventory of what you are feeling or need, by allowing yourself to pause. By allowing yourself to feel all things you are feeling- get that cry out and don’t judge yourself for doing so. Because in that moment, that is what you needed. And guess what? Everything that needs to be done, will be done. Will the tasks be completed on the same timeline or will the kids have eggs and toast instead of also pancakes? Understand your capacity, stop striving, stop judging yourself, and give yourself some grace.

Grace

Your journey is your journey. It may not be pretty at times. There will be times you feel like “snap out of it”, or “I should not still be crying”. All of these thoughts can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or anger because you have set an expectation for yourself that does not match your current circumstances. Spend some time getting to know yourself at this place in your life. Understand your capacity, so that you can communicate your capacity and boundaries to others. Don’t take on the role of hosting Thanksgiving dinner, if you are struggling with making yourself dinner each night. Don’t commit to visiting all your loved ones during the holiday, if you know the very thought makes you feel anxious or overwhelmed. Choose to bring a dish, instead of hosting Thanksgiving dinner. Choose to visit the homes that bring you peace and comfort, instead of trying to be everywhere with everyone. Release yourself from unrealistic expectations. Get to know where you are, honor what you need, and make no apologies about it either.

Communicate

When we are experiencing stress (mentally or emotionally), we often find it difficult to communicate with those around us. Which leads the people in our lives to assume what we need, what we can do, or what we mean by our behavior. Sometimes they infer correctly and sometimes they do not. All of this can cause stress in our personal and professional relationships. A large part of “sitting in it” and giving yourself grace, is to be able to communicate what we need to others to support our healing and bring us peace. If my capacity is low, the best gift I can give myself and those around me is to be honest about where I am. If I choose to keep striving to reach unrealistic expectations, I will keep hitting roadblocks because I’m going after a goal I am not yet prepared to accomplish. This doesn’t mean I can’t, but it does mean I can’t without help. Don’t be afraid to say it out loud. If today is not a good day and you don’t have the capacity to be on a call with your friend for hours, say it’s not a good day but you have ten minutes. You’ve told the friend what state you’re in, while also setting a boundary. Those that love and respect their relationship with you, will also respect your boundaries.

Keep Good Company

The journey of grief can be trying enough, there is no room for unnecessary stress, strain, or negativity. Be mindful of the company you keep. Ensure the people around you make you feel safe, loved, and respected. When your capacity is low and the path ahead is dark, you need someone on your boat to bring light; and help you see the things, you can not see. The person(s) that can hold you up, when you’re feeling weak. Maybe they can’t be there physically, but they pray for you every night. The people that accept you for who you are and where you are. The reality is we need each other, and keeping good company can make the journey of grief feel a little less heavy. Find your tribe.

As we go into another Holiday season, I want you to keep these things in mind. Know your limits and communicate them, keep good company, give yourself some grace, and honor what you need. I challenge you to seize each moment you get with those you love and find ways to honor the lives of those who are not physically present.

“May there be comfort in knowing that someone so special will never be forgotten.”- Julie Hebert

-Kristin Walker,MS, LPC

President/CEO

Brenda Fay Foundation